We demonstrate how the total luminosity in satellite galaxies is a powerful probe of dark matter haloes around central galaxies. The method cross-correlates central galaxies in spectroscopic galaxy samples with fainter galaxies detected in photometric surveys. Using models, we show that the total galaxy luminosity, Lsat, scales linearly with host halo mass, making Lsat an excellent proxy for Mh. Lsat is also sensitive to the formation time of the halo. We demonstrate that probes of galaxy large-scale environment can break this degeneracy. Although this is an indirect probe of the halo, it yields a high signal-to-noise ratio measurement for galaxies expected to occupy haloes at <1012 M☉, where other methods suffer from larger errors. In this paper, we focus on observational and theoretical systematics in the Lsat method. We test the robustness of our method of finding central galaxies and our methods of estimating the number of background galaxies. We implement this method on galaxies in the Sloan Digital Sky Survey (SDSS) data, with satellites identified in fainter imaging data. We find excellent agreement between our theoretical predictions and the observational measurements. Finally, we compare our Lsat measurements to weak lensing estimates of Mh for red and blue subsamples. In the stellar mass range where the measurements overlap, we find consistent results, where red galaxies live in larger haloes. However, the Lsat approach allows us to probe significantly lower mass galaxies. At these masses, the Lsat values are equivalent. This example shows the potential of Lsat as a probe of dark haloes.