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,
The fish were upset
the dolphin, drowning without air
could not stay in their darkness
The dolphin vowed to do [[better|title]]
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</style>You're standing quietly, surrounded by the only family you have ever known. They are enraptured with song. You
[[stare at your hands|hands]]
[[join them in song|sing]]
<<set $bible to 0>>
<<set $david to false>>
<<set $leviticus to false>>
<<set $revelation to false>>
<<audio lilyn play>>Your hands clench and unclench themselves. Violent fantasies of hurting all those around you flare in your mind, unbidden. You feel the soft flesh of their eyelids against your thumbs. You shove the thoughts back down, as you always do. The connection with your family feels distant and unsure, like a thin thread stretched too far. The singing stops. Everyone sits down.
[[You take a seat, the physical closeness of your family feels like spiders on your skin after the confusing emotional distance|stay and sit]].
[[You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. You don't have to go to the bathroom|exit room]].You know the words and melody by heart. You've heard it dozens of times. A woman raises her hand in the front row, enraptured in the simple melody. You feel nothing. You always feel nothing. You assume something is wrong with you, as you've been told over and over. The singing stops. Everyone sits down. A man on the stage begins to speak.
[[You take a seat next to your family|stay and sit]].
[[You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. You don't have to go to the bathroom|exit room]].You're in a large auditorium with a balcony. There's a large stage at the front with a piano and a drum set near the back, and a man at a podium speaking near the front. There's a large screen behind him with slides and digital content occasionally projected onto it. You're near the front on the floor level, in the fifth row back.
The man on the stage in the auditorium continues speaking. He begins with a short video clip of popular media, vaguely related to the topic he is speaking on. You look at the provided notes. There are simple self-help guides, tenuously connected to passages from an old book. There are blank spots where one could fill in the key ideas when presented during the talk. Copies of this book sit in pockets on the back of the seats of the people sitting in front of you.
The clip ends. Your arm is barely pressing against a family member on your right. It fills you with a strange sense of disgust. You feel crowded. You feel like everyone in the room is sharing an experience that you're too broken to understand.
You feel profoundly alone.
[[You pay attention to the speaker|church-service1]].
[[You take the old book and open it|bible1]].
[[You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. You don't have to go to the bathroom|exit room]].Your family looks concerned at you as you scoot by them. Their concern fills you with a confusing mix of anger and shame. You make it to the aisle and walk as quickly as possible to the exit. You get a few odd looks from the other people seated in the room as you leave. The man on the stage continues speaking as the door closes behind you. You wonder what's wrong with you, again. Your anxiety lessens.
You are alone in the [[lobby]].
Your body thrums with a strange mix of anxious energy and exhaustion. There is a familiar ache inside, a desperate desire to be elsewhere. You look around the familiar gray landscape. A few squat buildings sit nearby. There's nothing of interest in them. A larger building in the distance, the gymnasium, can be made out through the thin fog. There's a small path that leads behind the auditorium. You feel a pang of intense anxiety that gives way to melancholy just looking at it. The auditorium looms behind you, all gray concrete and glass. You feel the heavy pressure of the book in your jacket pocket.
You are alone.
[[Head to the gymnasium|path-to-gym]]
[[Take the path behind the auditorium|back-of-church]]
[[Go back inside|lobby]]
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</style>You walk up the stairs to a walkway with multiple entrances to the balcony. It's usually pretty empty and dark in the balcony at around this time. There is a hallway that leads around the second floor. You know from experience there are a handful of administrative offices, a few meeting rooms that are usually locked, and the bathroom.
You are alone.
[[Quietly open the door to the balcony|balcony]].
You don't have to go to the [[bathroom|old-bathroom]].
[[Take the stairs back down to the lobby|lobby]].You scoot past the knees of people you vaguely recognize. They don't seem to notice you as the man continues to speak on stage. Your family doesn't look at you as you sit next them.
[[Take the old book out from the back of the seat in front of you|bible1]].
[[Pay attention to the man speaking|church-service1]].You are in the entrance to the gym. There are message boards made of construction paper on the walls, with various phrases and pictures. A case of trophies sits in the corner. To the left there is a door to a room. You've spent a lot of time in that room. To the right is a hallway that leads to a wooden court for playing sports. Directly in front of you is a door that leads to the back of the gym.
You are alone.
[[Check out the door to the left|youth-group]]
[[Head out the door to the back of the gym|back-of-gym]]
[[Go to the right to the court|court]]
<<audio ":playing" stop>>You stand in the back of the auditorium. In front of you is a wooden stairway haphazardly attached to the hill that leads down to a small workshop with a few trucks parked in front of it. You know you can stay here without being bothered until the man is done speaking in the auditorium. You feel the weight of your phone in your front left pocket.
The grassy path behind you leads back to the entrance.
There is a wide dirt path that winds behind the buildings.
[[Go back to the entrance|outside-entrance]].
[[Descend the stairs|stairs]].
[[Follow the wide path|wide-path]].
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</style>You have a little over an hour to kill. You are in the lobby of a large auditorium. Stairs lead up to the second floor. Large glass doors lead to a dull gray October day outside.
You are alone.
[[Head outside|outside-entrance]].
[[Head upstairs|upstairs]].
[[Go back in the auditorium|back-to-church]].
<<audio ":playing" stop>>You walk at a leisurely pace toward the gym, the texture of the cobbled concrete implying a more interesting locale. You pass under a simple wooden canopy, through a parking lot filled with moderately expensive cars, and past an empty children's playground.
You are alone.
[[You arrive at the gym|gym]]You approach the door. It's slightly ajar. You peer inside. 40 or so younger people are seated, maybe 2 or 3 years younger than you. A familiar voice can be heard, emphatically describing something you've heard hundreds of times, but never felt.
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background-image: linear-gradient(90deg, rgba(2,0,36,1) 0%, rgba(121,9,9,1) 35%, rgba(255,0,0,1) 100%);
font-weight: 600;">You are in a [[cave]].</f>
<<audio "roar" volume 0.2 play>>You're at the back door of the gym. There is a dirt path, winding around the side of the building, wide enough for a vehicle. There is a truck parked here. Stacks of miscellaneous building materials are propped against the building. Pipes, wooden beams, bits of concrete, all haphazardly resting against each other. There's a beaten up chair against the back of the building, in a corner. It looks like no one would come across you here. The thought of it gives you some comfort.
[[sit in the chair|back-of-gym-chair]]
[[follow the path|behind-gym-path]]
[[go inside the gym|gym]]
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</style>The court is empty right now. Your mind pulls out a memory from a Wednesday past, unbidden. A pang of helpless anger stabs you.
You are alone.
[[What happened on that Wednesday|wednesday]].
[[Return to the entrance|gym]].Your breath comes heavy. Sweat is dripping down your back. You're wearing a thicker shirt than you need to. The motion of your body makes you self conscious.
He jeers at you as he makes another point. You're not playing poorly, but it doesn't matter. His mastery over you at this abstract game doesn't hurt. His incessant insistence of your worthlessness is affecting you, however. A member of your family is nearby. They don't notice his unrelenting cruelty. You want to hurt him. The sweat stings your eyes. You feel like you're going to throw up or cry, or both. Your nails dig in your palms.
You are alone.
<p style="background-color: black;">[[You blink|court]].</p>
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</style>You sit in the chair. You don't consider whether it's comfortable or not. You don't think about those kinds of things much. The nearby freeway roars quietly. Your hand rests on the square lump in your jacket. Your mind is filled with visions of other worlds, adventures, meaning, purpose. The sickening longing turns into a familiar ache in the pit of your stomach, your chest, and your head.
You are alone.
[[pull out the book and read|book]]
[[stand back up|back-of-gym]]
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</style>You follow a wide gravel and dirt path slowly, looking at the foliage with vague interest, until you find yourself
[[behind the auditorium|back-of-church]] .
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</style>The paper cover prominently features a mountain, with a man and a dragon traveling through the air. They are much smaller than the mountain, giving the looming mountain a sense of danger, importance, and enormity. A bit of tissue saves the spot near the middle of the book. The book itself is almost comically thick, and chosen for that reason.
You turn to the saved spot. Your eyes itch from tiredness - you had been up early this morning reading. The main character had been gravely injured, and was recovering in a hut in the wilderness. His sword had been broken and lost its power. You don't feel alone.
[[continue reading|book2]]
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</style>You are absorbed. You don't notice the ache in your body as the time passes. You hardly notice anything.
After some time the back door opens. You are jarred out of your story, and your body begins to panic. You remain as quiet as possible as adrenaline courses through you. You feel ashamed. You're doing something wrong. You are wrong.
Your chair sits back from the door, and the man doesn't notice you as he walks to his truck, unlocks it, takes something out of it, locks it, and walks back in the gym. You feel invisible. It is a sort of melancholy relief. You check the time. Your family should be done soon.
[[Continue reading|book3]].
[[Put the book back in your pocket and head back to the lobby, where your family is probably waiting|church-over-1]].You continue reading until the last possible minute. You check the time anxiously, unable to slip back into the story fully.
After the event had been over for 25 minutes, you put your book back in your pocket and stand up.
You are alone.
[[Head to the parking lot, where your family most likely awaits.|church-over-2]].You're in the lobby of the auditorium. The thousands of people from the auditorium are streaming around you, mostly towards the exit. Many are lingering, speaking with each other, arranging things in purses, or searching the crowd for other people. A small stream exits from the stairs to the balcony as well.
Your family is talking with some people you vaguely recognize. They insist that you speak with them. You are told that you know them. You don't know them. You make small talk and excuse yourself. You head outside. People stream around you.
You are alone.
[[You head to the parking lot next to the family car|church-over-2]] .This parking lot is close to the local community college. You remember the last time you took a class at that college. A [[deep upsetting shame envelops you|skool]].
[[Your family calls to you as they unlock the car|church-over-3]]The cave is filling with [[water]].
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<<audio "roar" volume 0.6>>The roar of the water matches the roar in your head. The roar that [[never goes away]].
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<<audio "roar" volume .8>>You are drowning. You can't escape. You missed it. Everyone else gets it. You don't. There's something wrong with you. You don't feel sad. You don't feel relieved. You don't feel angry.
<p style="background-color: black;">[[You don't feel|gym]].</p>
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<<audio "roar" volume 1>>He continues speaking, simple ideas and concepts that don't seem to apply to you, his words filling the enormous space. There must be over a thousand people in this room, listening to this man.
[[You attempt to pay attention|church-service2]]The old book isn't old. It's a newer printing of an extremely old text. Much of your life has revolved around certain parts of it, memorizing key passages and the layout of its various chapters. It's thousands of pages long, but it feels light. The pages seem extremely thin somehow. You open it to a random page
<<if $david is false>>[[about halfway through|david]].
<<endif>>
<<if $leviticus is false>>[[near the beginning|early-rules]].
<<endif>>
<<if $revelation is false>>[[right near the end|revelations]].
<<endif>>
<<audio ":playing" stop>>You tell yourself that this time, you'll pay attention. You'll find out what you've been missing. What they tell you you're missing. You catch what he says for about 30 seconds. Your focus slips. You hate it. You hate yourself. You can't even do this.
The more your grasp on focus lessens, The more anxiety fills you. You feel trapped. You are trapped. You feel alone. Your ears are pounding.
<p style="background-color:red;">[[The roof of the auditorium caves in|monster1]].</p>
<<audio ":playing" stop>>A thunderous crash sounds as a gigantic boulder smashes through the roof. It smashes into the speaker, a spray of blood hitting the first few rows of the audience. You are coated in his warm blood and viscera. The crowd erupts in horrified screams as people rush for the exit. A hiss of smoke emits from the boulder as it cracks open, like an egg. An enormous, scaled, bipedal creature steps out, fangs glistening. It roars, gnashing its teeth. Everyone in the room is panicking. They feel terrified. Except you. You don't feel.
[[Your body shifts|monster2]].
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</style>The creature begins slaughtering and devouring as many people as it can in the front row. People are climbing over each other, crying as some escape the creatures, others are torn in half and devoured. The creature doesn't notice you. You start to change. Your arms stretch and bulge, fingers sharpening into claws. Your torso and legs widen and lengthen. Bone presses through your skin, hardening, forming a complex organic armor, layered and impenetrable.
The creature spots you and with a horrendous scream lunges at you. You manage to dodge to the side before it lands, just in time for your transformation to complete. It lands on your family, mutilating some, killing others. Most of their shocked screams are cut short. One is violently decapitated, their head hitting the ground with a wet splat and rolling past you. You remain calm.
[[The creature turns to you and shrieks|monster3]].
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</style>It lunges at you. Your mutated body acts almost on its own, jumping high in the air. You grab at a lighting truss on the ceiling, about 30 feet in the air. It leaps at you. Your muscles tense and release as you lunge to the nearby balcony. It grabs at the air where you had been. On its descent back to the ground you dash back and grab at it in mid-air, flinging it downward. It accelerates to the ground, destroying seating on impact. Bits of wood and human body parts go flying through the air. You dive at it fist first, punching a hole through its stomach as you land on it. You grab it by its jaw and wrench at it, ripping its jaw off its face. You grab the bleeding jaw of the beast and press its fangs directly into its eyes as it gurgles helplessly, black blood shooting out of the hole where its mouth had recently been. You deliver a final punch, its own fangs piercing its brain with a sickening crunch. The room is empty apart from you and the corpses.
<p style="background-color: black;">[["Let us pray" says the man on the stage|monster4]].</p>
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</style>You instinctively take your phone out of your pocket as you descend the stairs. There's never been anything that interesting in the old workshop, the doors look to be locked right now anyway. Some wood scraps lie on the ground, strange shapes tossed aside haphazardly. You take a seat at the bottom of the stairs and flip the keyboard out of your phone without thinking about it. This was where you had always talked.
You both hadn't texted that much, but your thumbs take you to your texts anyway. Your last text to him glows on the screen.
"Just get back to me when you can."
It was sent 3 weeks ago. You hadn't heard from him in more than a few months.
<p style = "background: #262626;
color: transparent;
opacity: 0.8;
text-shadow: 0em 0em 0.09em #FFFF;">[[You remember your last day together|remember friend]].</p>
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You are in his new place in Nebraska, his clothes and belongings in cardboard boxes around his room. Unable to hold down a job or pay rent on time, he's joined the air force and seems geniunely happy. You're happy for him. You met his new girlfriend. She seems boring, but it doesn't bother either of you.
You play through the latest game you're both obsessed with on co-op mode, just like it used to be. He insists that he'll pay for part of your airfare. You never consider that he'd never speak to you again.
After all, he [[lived with you for a while|friend2]]
You told yourself you weren't going to go there anymore. The rest of the building has the brutalist sheen of the 80s, whereas this small room next to the stairs does not. The linoleum is a pattern of brown and yellow squares, giving the impression of decades past. The fixtures and walls an avocado green. It even smells old in here. You open the stall. You lock it behind you. You drop your pants to your knees and sit on the toilet.
No one will come in here. No one ever does. No one knows. You are alone.
[[You grab a fistful of toilet paper and wad it up in your hands|dad-fantasy]].You take a seat near the back of the balcony. The man speaking on stage continues emphatically, using simple concepts and words. It's quieter and darker up here. You can just make out the back of the heads of your family 20 feet below. You scoot down, slouching so you don't have to see them. It's almost too dark to read up here, but you know from experience that you can. You feel the weight of the book in your jacket pocket. The seat in front of you has copies of the old book the speaker keeps referencing. No one is nearby.
You are alone.
[[Take a copy of the old book out from the seat and open it|bible1]].
[[Pull the book out of your pocket|fantasy1]].
[[Lie down and try to take a nap|nap]].You lie down and close your eyes, though you're not sure why. You've never been able to nap. After a minute or two of the sounds of the auditorium thrumming in your ears you sit up. You're just as tired as you were.
You are alone.
[[You open your eyes and sit back up|balcony]].You take out the box in your mind. It is chained up and locked. You open it.
You're back in high school. You are camping with your best friend and his family. You had a fight with him over something childish and he took off in a huff with his mother. It's just you and his dad left at the campsite. He is a big man, with a thick red beard, hairy arms, and an intelligent and sarcastic wit. He's smoking a pipe. You don't know it, but you'll be thinking about the smell of his pipe for years.
He asks you to take a look at something in his tent with a wink. You follow him into the small space, your heart beating faster and faster. Your body tingles electric. It smells like HIM in the tent, his dirty underwear and aftershave and body and pipe mingling. He gently touches your hair, commenting on it. You blush. He takes off his shirt.
He wraps his arms around you, his arms crushing you tightly into his chest. You gasp and shudder, pressed into his hairy chest, inhaling HIM. You're drowning and gasping for air. He chuckles as he grabs you tightly, unlocking something inside you. You whimper pathetically as his hands roam your body. He smiles down at you. You can feel his beard on you.
"I've got you," he says. "You're not alone."
<p style="background-color: black;">[[You press the wadded up toilet paper to the head of your penis|shame]].</p>
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</style>Your penis throbs into the toilet paper. There's no mess, you've made sure of it. The box in your mind slams shut and is shoved into the recesses. You let go of your dick and sit for a moment. He never actually invited you into his tent, of course. You ache inside, the familiar mixture of desperate need to escape and intense shame. You carefully dispose of the toilet paper in toilet, not watching as you flush. No one will ever know. No one will be able to call you anything if they never find out. You're not like that. They'll never find out.
You hear a stirring rumble in the building. They must have just finished. You stand up and wash your hands.
[[You head to the lobby where your family is most likely waiting|church-over-1]].[[A week passes|start]].
<<audio lilyn play>>You come across a story. You know the main character, he's been talked about a lot as a paragon of virtue and goodness. You know the story that you've come across. He's angered an important man, and he's on the run. You've never actually read the story in full, just individual sections you were told to. Curious, you begin reading.
He and his small army are on the run. They happen upon a house belonging to one of his former servants. The man demands to be housed for as long as he pleases. The former servant offers to let him stay for a day or so, but tells him that he has to move on after. The man is upset. He orders his men to kill all the adult men on the property and takes all the women as his wives and stays for a few weeks, depleting the resources. Then he moves on.
You're unsure what to make of this. This man was always said to be one of the most virtuous and moral men, one to look up to, but this action seems undeniably evil.
<<set $david to true>>
<<set $bible to $bible+1>>
<<if $bible lt 3>>[[You close the book and look at the cover|bible1]].
<<endif>>
<<if $bible gt 2>>"Amen." People are standing up and talking to their neighbors. The man is done talking. [[You head to the lobby|church-over-1]]<<endif>> You happen upon a passage that seems to be a long series of rules. If one breaks the rules, it is said to displease some kind of spirit. There are a lot. You decide to actually read them.
According to this book, you shouldn't hang out with sick people, or eat certain food without boiling it, or hang out with people if you are sick.
The rules go on and on. A lot of them seem to be vague rules relating to hygiene. You figure if you couldn't convince a large group of people to be sanitary for the sake of their health, having an angry spirit might be the next best thing to keeping your people healthy.
<<set $leviticus to true>>
<<set $bible to $bible+1>>
<<if $bible lt 3>>[[You close the book and look at the cover|bible1]].<<endif>>
<<if $bible gt 2>>"Amen." People are standing up and talking to their neighbors. The man is done talking. [[You head to the lobby|church-over-1]]<<endif>> The very end of the book has a series of hallucinatory predictions. This is closer to the kind of story you like to read. At least there's bizarre magical beasts. Without any characters or plot to root for it just feels like a series of psychedelic images that have little to do with anything. You lose interest pretty quickly.
<<set $revelation to true>>
<<set $bible to $bible+1>>
<<if $bible lt 3>>[[You close the book and look at the cover|bible1]].<<endif>>
<<if $bible gt 2>>"Amen." People are standing up and talking to their neighbors. The man is done talking. [[You head to the lobby|church-over-1]]<<endif>> You walk slowly without intent down a wide dirt and gravel path for a few minutes, and find yourself behind a large building.
[[You are alone|back-of-gym]].
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</style>The people seated in the auditorium rustle their paper handouts as they all bow their heads simultaneously. The man is close to done talking. No one else is looking around. The people in the front row seem to have their heads bowed the lowest. The man on stage begins to talk in a lower, softer voice, addressing some kind of spirit.
You are alone.
<p style="background-color:red">[[Close your eyes|close your eyes]].</p>
[[Look around the room|look around the room]].<p style="background-color: black;">You close your eyes. The man's voice drones on. You return briefly to your fantasy.</p>
Above the wreckage of the auditorium roof you see a strange portal, dark blue in color, pulsing slightly. That must be where the creature came from. You sprint to the stage and jump with inhuman strength, accelerating as you enter the murky spiral. You're propelled upwards into an impossibly bright blue sky. You are miles above the ground. You have an incredible view of a strange, beautiful alien landscape as your acceleration slows. Time seems to slow as potential stretches out in all directions. Mountains, trees, strange structures looming over lakes. You feel a pained ache of longing in your chest.
<p style="background-color: black;">[["Amen"]].</p>
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</style>The man drones on in a quiet, emphatic tone. You look around at the thousands of heads bowed down in reverence. They feel something. This makes perfect sense to them, because they're normal. They're smarter and more experienced than you. It must be something you're missing.
If you just keep pretending, maybe they'll never find out. Maybe it'll be the same as being normal like them.
No one else is looking around.
You are alone.
[["Amen"]].You blink your eyes. The seated crowd is now taking to their feet and shaking hands and making small talk. You're blocked at both sides, you can't exit on either side of the row you're seated in. No one is looking at you. You squash the welling panic inside of you.
You wait for the row to clear and head out to the lobby with your family. Everyone has a smile plastered to their face. You try to match, but it feels like an awkward lie.
You are alone.
[[You walk to meet your family in the lobby|church-over-1]].[[lord i lift yr name on high|prelude]]
a text game by jordan fickel made in the winter of 2020
content warning: this game features graphic descriptions of fantasy violence, invasive violent thoughts, and homoeroticism/masturbation
don't worry i'm in a much better place now
<<audio lilyn play>>
The paper cover prominently features a mountain, with a man astride a dragon traveling through the air. They are much smaller than the mountain, giving the looming mountain a sense of danger, importance, and enormity. A bit of tissue saves the spot near the middle of the book. The book itself is almost comically thick, and chosen for that reason.
You turn to the saved spot. Your eyes itch from tiredness - you had been up early this morning reading. The main character had been gravely injured, and was recovering in a hut in the wilderness. His sword had been broken and lost its power. You don't feel alone.
[[continue reading|fantasy2]]
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Your parents had a trailer in the back of your house. His parents had had enough of him. All he had to do was pay an extremely low rent and you could live together. You were spending a lot of time at the local community college and working your coffeeshop job. You got to spend some time together, but not as much as you thought. He kept saying he would get a job. You didn't doubt him. Why would you?
You had [[graduated together|friend3]].You were in robes. You had a copy of The Hobbit to pass the time in the 5 hour ceremony. He sat next to you. Your last names were right next to each other on roll call. You had an english paper you still had to turn in to graduate, but you didn't know or care; you both were so thrilled to finally be done with the private school with its weird teachers and obsession with the old book.
You gave each other a knowing smile, the way you had after you had made up during the [[camping trip|friend4]].
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</style>You had been fuming in silence for hours on the rainy trail, his family pretending like nothing was wrong. You both were tired and wet and hungry and had shouted at each other.
Hours later, in the tent, while the fire was dying down, he sighed and gave you the next book in the series you were reading. You thanked him. You both couldn't stay angry at each other.
You knew when you first met in [[the back of the bus|friend5]].
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</style>He let you borrow a game for your handheld video game system. The smell of diesel in the back of the bus would remind you of that game for the rest of your life. He showed you the secret places to bomb, and how to beat the bosses.
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background-image: linear-gradient(90deg, rgba(2,0,36,1) 0%, rgba(121,9,9,1) 35%, rgba(255,0,0,1) 100%);
font-weight: 600;">You had just assumed you'd [[never be alone again|friend6]].</f>
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background-image: linear-gradient(90deg, rgba(2,0,36,1) 0%, rgba(121,9,9,1) 35%, rgba(255,0,0,1) 100%);
font-weight: 600;">He had given you a call and apologized. You were crying. You told him the money didn't matter and you just missed him and were so happy to hear from him. A deep warm emotion welled up inside you and spread to your fingertips. He told you about his life.</f>
You woke up.
The warm feeling was still there, but soured immediately with a painful ache. He hadn't called. He'd abandoned you, just like he'd abandoned everyone else. Why did you think you were special. You're not special. You're alone.
You cried in your dream. You don't cry now. You check the time.
They're finishing up inside.
[[Head to the lobby to meet with your family|church-over-1]]You are absorbed. You don't notice the ache in your body as the time passes. You hardly notice anything.
He carried the shards of the sword in a knapsack over his back. His wounds had not yet healed completely, but he began his trek to the village at the base of the mountain anyway. No one there could repair it, but someone there was rumored to know where to go to repair magical weaponry. He wouldn't be defeating the evil emperor without its power.
[[You are completely absorbed]].
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</style>You are lost in the book.
You don't notice the passage of time.
<p style="background-color: black;">[["Amen"|balcony-end]]</p>
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</style>You are jerked out of the pages of the book. The man is done talking. Everyone is getting out of their seats. You know your family won't leave for another 20 minutes while they talk.
[[Keep reading|book3]].
[[Meet your family in the lobby|church-over-1]].You climb into the back seat as they get in the car.
"What was your favorite part of the service today?" they ask innocently. You wish they would never speak to you again.
"The music," you reply unconvincingly.
As the car exits the parking lot you look out the window to the sky. The gray clouds weigh heavy, rolling and mingling eternally. The pallid dusky afternoon seeps into you, where it has always been. You recognize each other. You look up and imagine a patch of blue appearing. Your feet are light. You roll down the window. You ascend into the patch of color, not looking back.
Your family turns on the radio. You hear a familiar, cloying tune.
[[Your insides darken|end]]
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background-image: linear-gradient(90deg, rgba(2,0,36,1) 0%, rgba(121,9,9,1) 35%, rgba(255,0,0,1) 100%);
font-weight: 600;">Your mind often wanders into fantasies.</f>
<p style = "background: #262626;
color: transparent;
opacity: 0.8;
text-shadow: 0em 0em 0.09em #FFFF;">You occasionally think of the past.</p>
You are doing neither [[at the moment|start]].
You were parked in the corner of the enormous parking lot. It was a Tuesday. The class had started three minutes ago. You knew it was about a ten minute walk to class. If you went now they would all look at you when you entered the classroom and know you were a failure. The class lasted for two hours. You sat in your car for two hours, slowly feeling worse and worse. The gnawing ache never went away. It had always been there. It always would be.
<p style="background-color: black;">[[You walk to the car|church-over-3]].</p>
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</style><<cacheaudio "lilyn" "audio/lilyn.mp3">>
<<cacheaudio "roar" "audio/theroar.mp3">>